BRAIN DAMAGE
Sorry I can’t be friends with you anymore. I scanned your brain when you weren’t looking and it doesn’t have enough synaptic electricity. I’m trying to claw out of obscurity and I could snorkel in your dimness for centuries and never gain a thing beyond the odd sublime neurochemical lightning strike but mostly tons of brain damage. You need to work on yourself. I love you.
I’m only friends with people who emerge monkeylike from a clearing in the jungle, throw a coconut at my head, and, seeing me turn, retreat back through the vines.